hi.
again.
i havent wrote in here in a while.but thats okay. i havent really felt the need/want to..but now i do.
i threw up today for no reason.i came back from running(only around the block) and i started coughing and spitting up stuff, and then it came.. it was so weird.
i dont see how people can be bulemic, and throw up all the time.because its gross,and it hurts :/
me and zach are inexplainable.
i asked him this past week if we were boy/girlfriend or if we were "too cool" to be labeled? and he said we were too cool, so i dont know how to discribe how we are..? we're more than friends, not a ''couple'', but we say 'i love you'.. kinda complex, huh?
on thursday night we talked on the phone for like 20 minutes, or less, we didnt stay on for very long..he was studying and i didnt have anything to say, so i went to bed..and then i got online for a second to check if anyone had left me any comments or whatever, and i saw his mood was "discontent" and so i wrote him an email asking him, and then the next morning when i got up i checked to see if he wrote back, and he had written "i thought you were going to bed? or did you just not want to talk to me anymore?" annnd so i wrote him back saying how i DID want to talk to him, but there was nothing to talk about since he was busy and that i was going to bed, but i was just checking something real quick.
so since that short phone conversation we've been a little rocky.
and it makes me SO sad, because i really do love him, no matter if i do question it or whatever, he is THE only boy i care about and i have NEVER felt this way about anyone or anything..i just want to talk to him all the time, even if we dont say anything.. i just want to know that he feels the same way towards me, too.
i didnt talk to him last night, because it was his homecoming, so i figured he would be busy.. but he texted me while i was at work and asked if i thought "we weren't good anymore" and i replied something like, i want us to be better.perfect.. and then he said something like i had changed a little, and i told him i thought he had, and so that was the last i heard from him last night, i called and left a message this morning, and i didnt get any calls or texts until tonight at like 9 when i texted him. and then he just called me a few minutes ago and said he was eating dinner with his parents, so he'd call back later. i said i love you to him and he said it back, so thats good. BUT, i looked on his profile, and he deleted a comment i had left him.. :/ and i dont understand why.. i'll ask him later tonight when he calls me back.
and his mood yesterday night/this morning/whenever he changed it from discontent, it was lonely.. and that made me want to cry..but then, his mood now says happy and his status says he is feeling greeaaattttt! ..but i dont know how he can be feeling so happy whenever i'm over here, almost shaking with worry, and my stomach is all up in knots wondering when he's going to call me back.
i feel so rediculous, i am never this reliant on anyone, and here i am, getting all torn into peices over some boy.but i love this boy. truely.with all of my heart. i love him, i would scream it to the world if i could.and i would do anything and everything to make us last.to make us work. NEVER in my life did i ever want to be serious with anyone, but with zach, everything is different. i always want him there.i always want him in my life.always. and yes, always is a fucking long time,but i'm okay with that. i would love every moment of it..
now i am going to wait for his call.lol.
i cant help it, i am head over heels for zachary martin cosby.
if i lose him, i'll be a wreck.
i know i will be. it won't be good.
so that's why that is NEVER going to happen! (hopefulllyyyy)
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Sunday, October 7, 2007
dreams?
so, i was thinking about something i had heard about dreams..
like, we dream about we sub-consciencely want to happen..
and i had the weirdest dream last night.
i'll explain the gyst of it.
i was at school, in the band room, and we weren't having class as usual, so people were just doing whatever they pleased...apparently saxton and brittany broke up because saxton was talking to me alot and sort of sitting by me..(for some reason, brittany hates me, i think it's because i've had a crush on saxton for a while, but i don't really care, because i don't like her either..annnd i really like zach, so she can have saxton, i just want to be friends with him, i think....)
anyway, so saxton was sitting by me, and i thiiink we were watching a movie or something, and like, our arms touched and i thought maybe i did it without knowing, so i moved but then it happened again and i knew he did it on purpose..so then i guess the movie disappears because we start talking and laughing and getting along great and we just get closer and closer, and by the end of the dream we are locked armed, holding hands..
and in my dream i felt bad because i really liked zach, and i knew i shouldn't do anything, but i didnt seem to care because i still did it.. because i guess i thought it was harmless because me and saxton are just friends..but then again i liked it, because i used to have feelings for saxton..and i'm not sure about zach now because its really long distance, we've never met, and we hardly talk now :/
so, that was my dream.
it was very odd.
i've had another dream about saxton too, and it involved the spice girls, and i'm a little embarassed to say it, so i'm not going to. haha.
annnd, right now zach is on myspace, and i said hi to him and asked him how he was, and he's replying with one word answers, basically. he said he didnt feel good, and i can understand that, he's got drunk the past 2 nights..and he said he doesnt remember anything that happened..
And i'm kind of scared that he did something with some girl, because, when people get drunk, they get horny. i know this for a fact. and i'll completely understand if he tells me, because being drunk is a very good excuse, as long as it doesn't happen again.
but he lost his truck and his phone which was in his truck, so i wont get to talk to him on the phone, until he finds his truck, and then i imagine he'll get in trouble...because, i mean, who wouldnt get in trouble for losing your car while you're completely anibreated?
i realllllly like him alot.
and i have come to find out that i'm kinda like, the ''jealous girlfriend'' type.. haha, and thats badd.
but i just have security issues i guess, because there's millions of girls better than me, and if i know this, the boy i like is sure to find out sometime.
if that makes sence.
anyway..
i'll probably write more later on,
but i'm going to go watch some tv with my mom..and then i'm going to attempt to do the 'soulja boy'..lol
like, we dream about we sub-consciencely want to happen..
and i had the weirdest dream last night.
i'll explain the gyst of it.
i was at school, in the band room, and we weren't having class as usual, so people were just doing whatever they pleased...apparently saxton and brittany broke up because saxton was talking to me alot and sort of sitting by me..(for some reason, brittany hates me, i think it's because i've had a crush on saxton for a while, but i don't really care, because i don't like her either..annnd i really like zach, so she can have saxton, i just want to be friends with him, i think....)
anyway, so saxton was sitting by me, and i thiiink we were watching a movie or something, and like, our arms touched and i thought maybe i did it without knowing, so i moved but then it happened again and i knew he did it on purpose..so then i guess the movie disappears because we start talking and laughing and getting along great and we just get closer and closer, and by the end of the dream we are locked armed, holding hands..
and in my dream i felt bad because i really liked zach, and i knew i shouldn't do anything, but i didnt seem to care because i still did it.. because i guess i thought it was harmless because me and saxton are just friends..but then again i liked it, because i used to have feelings for saxton..and i'm not sure about zach now because its really long distance, we've never met, and we hardly talk now :/
so, that was my dream.
it was very odd.
i've had another dream about saxton too, and it involved the spice girls, and i'm a little embarassed to say it, so i'm not going to. haha.
annnd, right now zach is on myspace, and i said hi to him and asked him how he was, and he's replying with one word answers, basically. he said he didnt feel good, and i can understand that, he's got drunk the past 2 nights..and he said he doesnt remember anything that happened..
And i'm kind of scared that he did something with some girl, because, when people get drunk, they get horny. i know this for a fact. and i'll completely understand if he tells me, because being drunk is a very good excuse, as long as it doesn't happen again.
but he lost his truck and his phone which was in his truck, so i wont get to talk to him on the phone, until he finds his truck, and then i imagine he'll get in trouble...because, i mean, who wouldnt get in trouble for losing your car while you're completely anibreated?
i realllllly like him alot.
and i have come to find out that i'm kinda like, the ''jealous girlfriend'' type.. haha, and thats badd.
but i just have security issues i guess, because there's millions of girls better than me, and if i know this, the boy i like is sure to find out sometime.
if that makes sence.
anyway..
i'll probably write more later on,
but i'm going to go watch some tv with my mom..and then i'm going to attempt to do the 'soulja boy'..lol
typing it out.
okay, so i don't really know what i'm doing creating a blog, because normally i just keep things to myself. but i decided maybe i should keep a written record of things, just so i can check back and see what has been happening.
hm.seems kind of weird, that i'm going to be posting these for everyone to see, but i don't care, because noone i know will be reading these. :]
i just heard them play ''running up that hill'' by placebo on CSI. that made me smile.i love placebo, and i would really like to listen to that song right now, but my iTunes won't load...my computer is my brother's old computer, which used to be the family's computer, so it is very old and quite slow at times when you need to get things done fast.gaaahh. i really wish fucking itunes would load.
anywayy. today has been filled with a bunch of nothing.i woke up at like,10:50 or something and my dad made omlets. i dont really like eggs all that much, but he put some meat in them so they tasted better..while we ate breakfast we watched Friday Night Lights, which mom had tivo'd.for some reason i love that show.and i dont really even like football. i like most shows with teenagers in them, because i like to see how their lives are, and how mine compares...and how their expeirences are like mine better than mine, or worse than mine..sometimes i wish that i could live somewhere else, but its my senior year and i'll be going off to college soon that will good with me. but i really want to live in california.or new york. i love california and i miss it so much, i moved here when i was four, but all my extended family lives there; aunts,uncles, cousins, and my grandma half of the year..(the other half she lives in georgia) i love everything about california, the weather, the beach, there's always things to do, places to see..but i really dont think i would fit in there.yea, i like making new friends, but the thing with new friends is that there is always that chance that they won't like you,think you're weird, etc..
i just don't like rejection basically.
OH YAY! itunes finally works! :D
i have many friends.i used to have a best friend, but not so much anymore.she found herself a boyfriend whom she is in love with, and has no time for anyone but him.
it was really hard during the summer, but i just hung out with my other friends, and we became really close. its just hard not to have someone to call your best friend.but i'll get over that. i always get over everything..eventually.
for some reason i really like this song, i feel like i connect with it somehow, (running up that hill-placebo) placebo reminds me of my grandma's condo in LA, because i bought their cd (without you i'm nothing) there and i listened to it so it would lull me to sleep on the skinny couch i sleep on during our holiday visits..
i've been missing california really bad lately, i didn't get to visit this summer, and the last time i was there was last december :/ i miss my cousins a ton, and my grandma, i always think that something is going to happen to her without me being able to give her a hug or something...(typing that almost made me cry..i've realized i'm quite emotional about like, everything..)
another reason i want to visit california is because i want to meet this boy. we met on myspace, haha, and like, we've been "talking" for about 3 weeks..we always text each other, and then we talk at night..we used to talk on the phone everynight the first week we were talking, but its dwindled down to just whenever he's not busy... i'm kind of skeptical about him.he tells me i'm amazing, and great, and that he's in love with me. and i have extremely strong feelings for him too, but its hard for me to believe that someone can fall in love with someone they have never met in real life..i dont know. and, well i dont know. i dont know if he's some sort of 'player' or whatnot, i really do not think he is, but lately he just doesnt seem that into me, and i looked on his page, and he has been commenting this other girl..it's perfectly fine with me if he has friends that are girls, because i have a ton of guy friends, but i know nothing is ever going to happen with any of my guy friends.but i dont know about his girl friends..because i dont see why he likes me so much, when there are probably about 5 million prettier, smarter,skinnier, better girls than me in his school alone..and he told me he has never told anyone else he loves them, not even his girlfriend he had for 10 months. which i found that hard to believe, because we talked for about a week and he told me he loved me..so how can he date someone for 10 months and not tell her?
i'm just so scared that he won't/doesn't like me. i dont want to lose this boy. he is amazing and makes me smile and makes me laugh and makes me happy..and he's all i ever think about. he's always in the back of my mind, etc..
i am planning to meet him when i go to LA for christmas, because he lives 30 minutes from my grandma's place.
i will be so scared.because i'm not pretty in person, i just take good photos, occasionally.
hm.seems kind of weird, that i'm going to be posting these for everyone to see, but i don't care, because noone i know will be reading these. :]
i just heard them play ''running up that hill'' by placebo on CSI. that made me smile.i love placebo, and i would really like to listen to that song right now, but my iTunes won't load...my computer is my brother's old computer, which used to be the family's computer, so it is very old and quite slow at times when you need to get things done fast.gaaahh. i really wish fucking itunes would load.
anywayy. today has been filled with a bunch of nothing.i woke up at like,10:50 or something and my dad made omlets. i dont really like eggs all that much, but he put some meat in them so they tasted better..while we ate breakfast we watched Friday Night Lights, which mom had tivo'd.for some reason i love that show.and i dont really even like football. i like most shows with teenagers in them, because i like to see how their lives are, and how mine compares...and how their expeirences are like mine better than mine, or worse than mine..sometimes i wish that i could live somewhere else, but its my senior year and i'll be going off to college soon that will good with me. but i really want to live in california.or new york. i love california and i miss it so much, i moved here when i was four, but all my extended family lives there; aunts,uncles, cousins, and my grandma half of the year..(the other half she lives in georgia) i love everything about california, the weather, the beach, there's always things to do, places to see..but i really dont think i would fit in there.yea, i like making new friends, but the thing with new friends is that there is always that chance that they won't like you,think you're weird, etc..
i just don't like rejection basically.
OH YAY! itunes finally works! :D
i have many friends.i used to have a best friend, but not so much anymore.she found herself a boyfriend whom she is in love with, and has no time for anyone but him.
it was really hard during the summer, but i just hung out with my other friends, and we became really close. its just hard not to have someone to call your best friend.but i'll get over that. i always get over everything..eventually.
for some reason i really like this song, i feel like i connect with it somehow, (running up that hill-placebo) placebo reminds me of my grandma's condo in LA, because i bought their cd (without you i'm nothing) there and i listened to it so it would lull me to sleep on the skinny couch i sleep on during our holiday visits..
i've been missing california really bad lately, i didn't get to visit this summer, and the last time i was there was last december :/ i miss my cousins a ton, and my grandma, i always think that something is going to happen to her without me being able to give her a hug or something...(typing that almost made me cry..i've realized i'm quite emotional about like, everything..)
another reason i want to visit california is because i want to meet this boy. we met on myspace, haha, and like, we've been "talking" for about 3 weeks..we always text each other, and then we talk at night..we used to talk on the phone everynight the first week we were talking, but its dwindled down to just whenever he's not busy... i'm kind of skeptical about him.he tells me i'm amazing, and great, and that he's in love with me. and i have extremely strong feelings for him too, but its hard for me to believe that someone can fall in love with someone they have never met in real life..i dont know. and, well i dont know. i dont know if he's some sort of 'player' or whatnot, i really do not think he is, but lately he just doesnt seem that into me, and i looked on his page, and he has been commenting this other girl..it's perfectly fine with me if he has friends that are girls, because i have a ton of guy friends, but i know nothing is ever going to happen with any of my guy friends.but i dont know about his girl friends..because i dont see why he likes me so much, when there are probably about 5 million prettier, smarter,skinnier, better girls than me in his school alone..and he told me he has never told anyone else he loves them, not even his girlfriend he had for 10 months. which i found that hard to believe, because we talked for about a week and he told me he loved me..so how can he date someone for 10 months and not tell her?
i'm just so scared that he won't/doesn't like me. i dont want to lose this boy. he is amazing and makes me smile and makes me laugh and makes me happy..and he's all i ever think about. he's always in the back of my mind, etc..
i am planning to meet him when i go to LA for christmas, because he lives 30 minutes from my grandma's place.
i will be so scared.because i'm not pretty in person, i just take good photos, occasionally.
geeee,
i dont know what to write, i just have so many thoughts that i want to write down..
i kinda want to write about religion.and my views.
i've been told i am agnostic, since i dont believe in anything, and there isn't any proof of a higher power, and it can't be scientifically proven or something like that. i don't really know. i don't like labels..because most of the time they are wrong.
but, here is what i think.
i do not believe in god, or in a higher power. but i don't believe that we evolved from monkey's either.so how we got here, i don't know.i don't think there really needs to be an answer for that question.we're here.don't question it, trying to look for answers in some book that some random guys wrote.and another thing, is that in the bible, they speak nothing of dinosaurs.yet, there is scientific evidence that they exsisted, seeing as we found their fossils. i dont know, i just think that most people need something to believe in for some reason..so they believe in this book.
which to me is like believing in the harry potter books, which i would rather believe in that than the bible..haha.
but i will talk more later.
i have to get in my exercise..which i need badly.
<3
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